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you flubbed the punch line!

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I give up [Jan. 8th, 2009|03:22 am]
you flubbed the punch line!
Okay I don't fucking care about being skinny, being fat, counting calories, binging my brains out, eating a whole box of teddy grams, the guy that invented South Beach, Dr. Atkins, the story behind the invention of the Cliff bar, ketosis, the benefit of reverse situps, "thinspiring" ed communities, Dr. Phil's opinion on eating disorders, ice cream being the easiest food to throw up, your mom, his dad, their brother, our sister, thin scene kids, hair cuts that make me look skinnier, scale anxiety, or ANY OF THE REST OF IT.
I just want things to change. I'll take anything else.
I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I give up, God. I surrender all of that to You. Everything. I surrender to You completely and allow you to tell me whether it's time to eat or to suck it up depending on actual physical hunger and not emotional stuffing of feelings with food. Did that make sense? Whatever, God knows what I freakin' mean. I'm sick of myself and doing everything with Kayla's will attached as a memo; it just leads me to despair: laying in my bed, trying to sleep away the day and night and life at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, hating hating hating myself, wanting to cut myself again. The pain just getting worse, and yet continuing to do the same things that got me to Pain Island of Isolation in the first place.
I'm sick--so sick--of myself and life as it is going. I'm not suicidal, but if this is the way it's gonna be then I don't want to stick around.
I left all my ed livejournal communities, I did OA step work, I called Sandra and cried my eyes out, I ate abstinently, and most importantly...I gave up. I gave up in the past tense and give up in the present tense and all tenses otherwise.

Please God, let me remember this before I eat again.
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I know this is a little raunchy but... [Apr. 29th, 2008|12:45 pm]
you flubbed the punch line!
Pooping
feels
so
amazing.
I love the feeling of purging that gigantic mass from your body. Plus, your stomach gets a little flatter.
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Let's support each other! [May. 3rd, 2007|05:09 pm]
you flubbed the punch line!
[music |Sheryl Crow, "Oh, Marie"]

My name is Kayla and i'd like to thank waist_away_ for prompting this post.

A little background:
I've gained about 35 pounds since I went to rehab about three months ago. I also just recently stopped taking a medication called Lamictal, which is NOT a weight neutral drug as I was told. My goal is to pretty much change everything about my life, one day at a time. I'm completely sober now, saving money, and working an AA program to improve myself as a person. I signed up for a half marathon to get myself in better shape, and also hope to shed some weight and feel healthier before I go back to college in the summer. I felt compelled to visit a nutritionist, but I am finding it hard to stick to the program she's outlined because she wants me balanced. Balance is a foreign concept to me; for the last two years, I've either been binging or starving. Thus, right here on this journal i present my most earnest declaration.

I need YOUR support! I will be posting pictures of myself every Sunday to document my progress, and I'm looking for friends who have similar goals that we can keep each other working towards.

Again, I need YOUR support!
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i posted this 5 days before my 16 day rehab stint. oh, here's to delirium [Feb. 4th, 2007|11:25 pm]
you flubbed the punch line!
what a pretty little K hole
i never want to leave
especially with such an honored guest
as lady speed--she's crazy!--
exchanging rest for my tighter loyalties

what a bunch of pretty paupers--
perfect poppers, no longer strangers--
how a bunch of pearly poppers
(i don't know) proved such pleasant company

come drink from my pipe
come bask in the glow of this merry cat traquilizer
okay, go ahead, go 'head and drop your blue bapes if you'd like
but im fucked uuuup and it escapes all reasoning, to me--
you see, im shaken and stirred and brewed down to a compound
thanks (thank you) to all the drugs inside of me
im fucked uuuup and it escapes all self-requited reasoning--
that 'midst my double vision, i can even manage writing
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Maybe I'll guilt myself into a spectacular reading rediscovery! [Jan. 11th, 2007|01:29 am]
you flubbed the punch line!
[music |Pink Floyd, baby!]

In hopes of guilting myself back into reading; At least now i cant play the "I don't know what to read so i just wont" card:

Viable Reading Options:
-Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson
-Lolita by Nabokov
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
-Fight Club by Chuck Palanuik
-Junky by William S. Burroughs
-Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs
-Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger

Floaters to Bridge the Lagtime
-Paint It Black by Janet Fitch
-Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse (EDIT: AXED <--current attempts leave me bored and stuck at the beginning)

Theoretically, a Nice Idea...But Too Long and Dense
-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
-Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

I Swear, I Really Did Used to Read Books
-The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
-Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis
-Choke by Chuck Palanuik

...Even Some Pretty Good Ones
-A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
-White Oleander by Janet Fitch
-The Princess Bride by William Golding
-July, July by Tim O'Brien
-Wasted by Marya Horbacher
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Modern makes me feel sane [Jan. 3rd, 2007|04:12 pm]
you flubbed the punch line!
[Current Location |kt's room wearing pjs]
[mood |strung out]
[music |Run Run Run- The Velvet Underground]

Right now
hunger
and
anger
make me a
modern girl.

But
My whole life
was like a picture
of a sunny day...
and anyway
im always squinting for when
My whole life
turns to picture
a sunny day.

and anyway I'll throw back on my shades
I call me a modern girl.
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Happy Birthday to Meee [Nov. 29th, 2006|08:40 am]
you flubbed the punch line!
Woo its past midnight which means its officially the 29th of November, which means im officially 18 years of age, which means i can officially buy the cigarettes ive been smoking for a year. ok, two years, but every smoker has a period of denial before they finally out themselves as official smokers. what a dirty label- smoker. one minute you're bumming a few cigarettes--fags if you're british--from a friend at a party, then you're buying a pack for the weekend, then you kinda lose track of how many packs you've bought, then you're smoking on your breaks at work...alone, and as you smoke that morning cigarette thats become an ingrained part of your daily routine, it dawns on you that you might in fact be (*gulp*) a smoker (*cough*).
So I'm 18. And trying to at least start this year relativly sober, as these last two years have been anything but. Especially within the last two months, my drug use--no, scratch that, abuse--has gotten ridiculous. No more uppers for me. I just want to drink and do acid once in a while. And only ecstacy on weekends. Yeah, thats a good start.
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